Tag: love

Marriage: Part 1

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is sweet. Marriage is biblical. Marriage is a choice. I have been married for sixteen years. I am not the perfect wife by any means. I am also not married to the perfect husband. However, we are both married to the one that is perfect for us. We have had times where we failed each other and had to seek forgiveness. We both deployed to Iraq in 2005 and were not always stationed near each other. There were times that situations, bombings, and firefights happened and neither of us were sure if the other would make it back to the base alive. He also sat by my bed when I was in a medically induced coma just days after the birth of our son. We both live with post-traumatic stress disorders, traumatic brain injuries, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. We have seasons where one is doing better than the other, both are struggling, or both are good. No matter what season we are in I am thankful that I have someone by my side.

Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can lift him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie sown together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

When I was being discipled, I was taught a tool for marriage. This tool is known as the marriage square. The tool basically teaches that there are four loves. (If you have never read C.S. Lewis’ Four loves, I strongly recommend it. It is available on audible!) This tool teaches that AGAPE feeds the STORGE, EROS, and PHILEO in our marriages. When Rachel taught me this tool, I told her that it was good info about the types of love, but I didn’t think it was practical. She responded with, “Then change it. Find a way to make it practical.” SO, that is what I am going to share with yall. This will be a multi-series because there is a lot of information and homework with each of these.

Most of my childhood is filled with trauma, abuse, sexual disfunction and promiscuity. I was never taught about healthy intimacy or marriage growing up. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom divorced her second husband when he went to jail for child molestation. Then, I watched my mother go through three more marriages. My mother came from an alcoholic and abusive home. I believe that many children are taught how to be married and what is important in a marriage. My husband came from two people that are still married 40+ years later who came from parents who died married. My husband’s parents were raised Catholic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with their commitment. I do know that divorce is way less acceptable in the Catholic culture. I bring up the stark contrast of our upbringing for many reasons. One is that Marriage is often generational. Two: Just because people stay married till death, does not mean that it is a healthy marriage. Going through this process of finding out about different marital loves and how to walk it out has transformed my marriage to look less like the World and more like the Word.

For this 1st part of the series I am going to do a small break down of the four different types of love that we are going to go through.

  • STORGE’
  • PHILEO
  • EROS
  • AGAPE’

Storge’ is a family love. If you search through the Bible, you will not find it. However, you will find it attached to different words. In Romans 1:31 and in 2 Timothy 3:3 you find ASTORGOS. This is defined as heartless. In other books you find PHILEOSTORGOS, brotherly love. While, you cannot find this type of love by spelling; you can find it in concept that is built by the context of the situation of the word. We see Noah have this love for his family during the flood. We see Ruth have this type of love for Naomi. We see Martha and Mary have this kind of love for Lazarus. This love is protective, caring and responsible.

Phileo is the friendly love. You will find this type of love in the Bible and you will find it attached to many other words. The most notable place for this word is when I read Peter’s response to Jesus asking him if he loves him. Jesus asked him if he loved (agape) him, Peter responds that he loves (phileo) him. Phileo is loyal, truthful, and honest.

Eros is the intimate love. I use the word intimate because intimacy is more than sex. The sexual and intimate relationship between a husband and wife is one that has to be nurtured, guarded, and exclusive. Things that impact this love are sex, health, past trauma, porn, adulty, social media, and identity.

The last type of love is agape’. Agape is a sacrificial love. This is the I choose you over me. I think of the traditional vows. I take____ to be my wedded___, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. All of these types of love are crucial to a healthy marriage. The agape feeds the “reason” of all the others. As in, I do these others because I choose you over me because I love you more than I love myself.

After all the loves have been discussed, the next thing that gets discussed is:

  • The husband spiritually leading the wife
  • The wife submitting to the husband’s authority

I pray this finds you and your marriage well. If you have any questions make sure to either drop a comment or email me at Andi@andichorley.com

Grace & Peace

Chorley

The next part of this series is: Marriage: Part 2 Storge’ Download this PDF in preparation for the next part in the series.

marriage-square-pdfDownload

How Love Grows

.Reading time 13 minutes.

There is a poem or writing by Bishop Fulton Sheen that I wanted to share with you all. I found it on a dusty shelf in a thrift store. The book is titled, That Tremendous Love, An anthology of inspirational quotations, poems, prayers, and philosophical comments. It was edited by Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, Ph. D., D.D. The book was published by Harper and Row. I find it important to share the author and publisher so that I can give credit where credit is due. The Christian world of writing, speaking, and ministering is one of the biggest stages of plagiarism and I want to make sure that someone’s hard work is accredited to them and no one else. This not only allows credibility but also gives room for criticism of the author.

How Love Grows

At the beginning one loves God only for his gifts or for the emotions He sends us. He treats us then, “like a young woman who is being courted.” If gifts are no longer given in abundance after true marriage has occurred it is not because a husband’s love is less, but because it is greater. For now he gives himself. It is not the husband’s gifts that his wife loves nor his compliments, nor even the thrill of pleasure she gets form his company. She loves him. The moment the Lover is loved for Himself, then the nature of the gifts ceases to matter. If God withdrawals all sensible gifts it is only because He wants union between the soul and Himself to be more personal and less dependent on his generosity. – FJS

I will never forget the first gift my husband really gave me. It was for Valentine’s day .It was a yellow gold necklace with two interlocking charms. The heart charms were about the size of a nickel. The outer heart was an outline of diamonds and the inner heart was an outline of rubies. Two hearts as one. One regret I may always have was my response to the gift. We were both serving in Iraq at the time. He had found a computer and went to the military mall website and ordered the first piece of jewelry that was on the home screen of the site. I was disappointed that he didn’t put more consideration into it. All I did was express that he was lazy in his gift and I didn’t like yellow gold. I didn’t even consider the fact that he was a 19-year-old, married, kid deployed to a war zone that was exhausted from back-to-back missions picking up our friends demolished vehicles that were covered in blood and bullet holes… and still went out his way to order a diamond and ruby necklace and have it shipped to his wife in a war zone. I didn’t consider that this was the first piece of jewelry he had ever bought in his life. The thought of my actions still makes me say, “Ugh!” A few months later, still in Iraq, on our first anniversary he had made a notebook that had listed different memories and he had cut out pictures to help tell a story of us. He wrapped it up and had a friend deliver it via military convoy from his small camp to mine. I still keep it in my nightstand next to the gold necklace. He has only gotten me one Valentine’s Day gift since 2005 and I don’t mind because his love is worth more than anything he could buy.

I started thinking about the gifts that Jesus has given. I didn’t want to make this a list of just the gifts that he has given me or my family. While that testimony is great and full of joyous tears, I wanted to direct yall back you the Word, so you may see the witness accounts for yourself. This is not an all inclusive list. I encourage you to find more! The first one I would say was his first miracle.

(John 2) When he turned water to wine. He was just starting his ministry and starting to have people follow him. His mother was in distress over wine at a wedding. We may first think that this is people upset because they wanted to drink like many people do now at weddings. However, at traditional Jewish weddings, the Rabbi that is performing the wedding will pour two glasses of wine into one cup, he will bless the wine, and recite the seven blessings for the marriage. He will then give the cup to the couple and they will both drink from the cup. The wine symbolizes two lives becoming one new life. This tradition is called Nissu’in. This gift was not only for his mother and disciples. It was also a gift to the couple and everyone in their life to see the seven other blessings in their marriage.

(John 4)We then see Jesus heal an official’s son. We don’t know if this was the official’s only child. What we do know is that lineage is important. We all desire the gift of offspring. The gift of a man’s child healing from sickness is one of the biggest gifts a father can receive.

 (John 5) Jesus goes over to the healing pool of Bethesda. There were sick people seeking healing and getting into the pool to be healed. What we now know about healing waters and the power of radiation in hot springs, was not well understood at the time. Jesus told a lifelong paralytic to, “Get up, take your bed, and walk”. The love of Christ healed the man and the man believed he was healed by Christ and not by the world. This gave hope to many. I am not saying that your faith will make you healed of all sickness in your life. What I am saying is that there is healing that comes from Christ alone. You may die from a sickness. That does not mean you must have a lack of faith. The Word Never says that. The healing of this man led to the faith of many. The faith of you in sickness may lead to the faith of many. We don’t get to decide the Lord’s will. The Lord’s love is steadfast in sickness and in health.

(John 6) The Lord feeds 5000. The Lord shows that he can take something so small and do great things with it. He loved by feeding people that were open to listening to him. People that were seated before him ate!

(John 6) The disciples got on a boat in the sea of Galilee. Now the sea is huge at 64 sq miles and about 140 ft deep. This is no lake. The sea got rough and if a wave takes the boat, they would all surely die. Jesus just walks up to them and the sea is calm, and they are near the coast. Jesus loved them by comforting them and showing them that he subdues the world by his will. He is the one that calms the storms.

(John 9) Jesus heals a blind man. The Lord tells his disciples, “It is not out of sin that this man is blind but rather that the works of God may be displayed in him”. It is not sin! It is to show the works of God. The gifts of God!!

 (John 11) Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Jesus waited a few days before he went to give his gift. Some lost faith or judged the Lord’s gift. It wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t what they wanted. They wanted him to prevent the death, not bring him back. Then Jesus wept. He shed tears. We don’t know if the tears were for the lack of love that they had for Jesus or because of the death of Lazarus. I know that when someone shows their lack of love for us by not believing us or not believing in us, it hurts. It cuts us deep in a way that can take a long time to repair. We may strive for them to believe in us by showing actions. However, we can not force anyone to believe in us and the Lord chooses not to force us to believe in him. That would not be love.

(John 19) Jesus gives up himself for us. The ultimate sacrifice and gift. His life for ours. With this gift Jesus gave us himself forever. This is a gift that can never be rescinded. The last gift that Jesus physically gave his Disciples was his excruciating death. This last thing was not considered one of the “Seven Miracles” However it was a miracle. There is no way that it wasn’t. His generous gifts were all perfect and according to his will even if they were not seen that way. Even if some were seen as a necklace that wasn’t good enough. Could they have loved him for who he was and not for his gifts?

Do you love the Lord for his generosity or for who he is?

Do you pray for blessings or do you pray to be in one accord with the Lord?

Do you spend time in the word to check off a box or to learn more about the Lord?

Grace & Peace

-Chorley

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