Marriage is hard. Marriage is sweet. Marriage is biblical. Marriage is a choice. I have been married for sixteen years. I am not the perfect wife by any means. I am also not married to the perfect husband. However, we are both married to the one that is perfect for us. We have had times where we failed each other and had to seek forgiveness. We both deployed to Iraq in 2005 and were not always stationed near each other. There were times that situations, bombings, and firefights happened and neither of us were sure if the other would make it back to the base alive. He also sat by my bed when I was in a medically induced coma just days after the birth of our son. We both live with post-traumatic stress disorders, traumatic brain injuries, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. We have seasons where one is doing better than the other, both are struggling, or both are good. No matter what season we are in I am thankful that I have someone by my side.

Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can lift him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie sown together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

When I was being discipled, I was taught a tool for marriage. This tool is known as the marriage square. The tool basically teaches that there are four loves. (If you have never read C.S. Lewis’ Four loves, I strongly recommend it. It is available on audible!) This tool teaches that AGAPE feeds the STORGE, EROS, and PHILEO in our marriages. When Rachel taught me this tool, I told her that it was good info about the types of love, but I didn’t think it was practical. She responded with, “Then change it. Find a way to make it practical.” SO, that is what I am going to share with yall. This will be a multi-series because there is a lot of information and homework with each of these.

Most of my childhood is filled with trauma, abuse, sexual disfunction and promiscuity. I was never taught about healthy intimacy or marriage growing up. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom divorced her second husband when he went to jail for child molestation. Then, I watched my mother go through three more marriages. My mother came from an alcoholic and abusive home. I believe that many children are taught how to be married and what is important in a marriage. My husband came from two people that are still married 40+ years later who came from parents who died married. My husband’s parents were raised Catholic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with their commitment. I do know that divorce is way less acceptable in the Catholic culture. I bring up the stark contrast of our upbringing for many reasons. One is that Marriage is often generational. Two: Just because people stay married till death, does not mean that it is a healthy marriage. Going through this process of finding out about different marital loves and how to walk it out has transformed my marriage to look less like the World and more like the Word.

For this 1st part of the series I am going to do a small break down of the four different types of love that we are going to go through.

• STORGE’
• PHILEO
• EROS
• AGAPE’

Storge’ is a family love. If you search through the Bible, you will not find it. However, you will find it attached to different words. In Romans 1:31 and in 2 Timothy 3:3 you find ASTORGOS. This is defined as heartless. In other books you find PHILEOSTORGOS, brotherly love. While, you cannot find this type of love by spelling; you can find it in concept that is built by the context of the situation of the word. We see Noah have this love for his family during the flood. We see Ruth have this type of love for Naomi. We see Martha and Mary have this kind of love for Lazarus. This love is protective, caring and responsible.

Phileo is the friendly love. You will find this type of love in the Bible and you will find it attached to many other words. The most notable place for this word is when I read Peter’s response to Jesus asking him if he loves him. Jesus asked him if he loved (agape) him, Peter responds that he loves (phileo) him. Phileo is loyal, truthful, and honest.

Eros is the intimate love. I use the word intimate because intimacy is more than sex. The sexual and intimate relationship between a husband and wife is one that has to be nurtured, guarded, and exclusive. Things that impact this love are sex, health, past trauma, porn, adulty, social media, and identity.

The last type of love is agape’. Agape is a sacrificial love. This is the I choose you over me. I think of the traditional vows. I take____ to be my wedded___, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. All of these types of love are crucial to a healthy marriage. The agape feeds the “reason” of all the others. As in, I do these others because I choose you over me because I love you more than I love myself.

After all the loves have been discussed, the next thing that gets discussed is:

• The husband spiritually leading the wife
• The wife submitting to the husband’s authority

I pray this finds you and your marriage well. If you have any questions make sure to either drop a comment or email me at Andi@andichorley.com

Grace & Peace

Chorley

The next part of this series is: Marriage: Part 2 Storge’ Download this PDF in preparation for the next part in the series.