Tag: women of valor

Straining for the Hem

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Open. Honest. Vulnerable. It has been a trying couple of years. There have been a lot of highs and lows. The highs have been amazing. The lows have been debilitating. While I was supported by many; there were people I loved that dusted their feet of me. People I didn’t know opened their doors and people I loved shut the gate on my face. It was a hard wilderness to walk through. Miraculously, the Lord has restored many of those relationships that were torn by misunderstandings and missteps. I am always full of joy when I think about the fact that I serve a God of restoration.

In 2016 a women made a choice to invest in my life. She asked me to follow her as she followed Jesus. Then I made the choice to dedicate my life to doing the same for other women. I know it is a calling on my life as much as I know my blood is red. Within a year of her releasing me to invest in other women, she passed away. It was the hardest loss I have ever felt. After spending a lot of time at war in Iraq, I got accustomed to losing friends in battle and still continuing my mission. This loss was harder for me to walk through because this is a woman who taught me about the healing of Christ’s hem. The healing that comes from reaching out to him… from just being near him. The tears I continue to cry for her are tears of love and gratitude. A huge thing she taught me was Lordship. Allowing Christ alone to have Lordship in my life. Not people, things, or situations. This was paramount in continuing to walk with Christ once my spiritual parent passed away.

I recently had to walk through a hard situation. In my frustration I told a friend that possesses great godly reason, that I was tired if doing this and didn’t want to do discipleship anymore. In my weakness… I felt done. She called out lies I was believing and gave me scripture. This is what is different about conversations with women who sit at the feet of Jesus. They call out sin. They call out lies. They call out the true enemy.

Then… I had D-group today. We talked through the Shema and Lordship. It was a great reminder for me. What is on the forefront of my mind? What is leading my thoughts and actions? I had allowed my situation to have Lordship in my life. The voice of the Lord for me became clear. If I believe that Jesus is Lord of my life, my current situation does not get to decide if I will continue to make Disciples of Jesus. I had to change my view and return to looking at Christ and reach out to him. In the thick of hard things, we have to strain for him. This is true repentance.

After sitting in this, one of the women I am walking with gave me a gift that hit me so fast I couldn’t catch my breath. It was a print of a picture I sent her a while back. It is a drawing of Matthew 9:20-22. How could someone draw something from 3 verses in such a way as to steal the air from my lungs? Art is funny like that. Seeing the power from these 3 verses drawn out is the reminder of Christ’s healing that I need daily.

And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.

If I only touch his garment, I will be made well. Having enough faith in Christ to believe that all you have to do is strain and reach even just the hem of his garment is so powerful. Him being aware of suffering and affliction by her mere touch is powerful. Him allowing her faith to bring her healing is powerful. Him calling her daughter IS POWERFUL.

Take heart… tharséō (“emboldened to show courage”) refers to God bolstering the believer, empowering them with a bold inner-attitude (to be “of good courage”). For the believer, 2293 /tharséō (“showing boldness”) is the result of the Lord infusing His strength by His inworking of faith (“inbirthed persuasion,” 4102 /pístis). Showing this unflinching, bold courage means living out the inner confidence (inner bolstering) that is Spirit-produced. [from Bible hub & stongs concordance]

Show courage, have a bold inner-attitude from the Lord infusing His strength by His in working of faith because you have been made well.

LORD, let me strain daily for the hem of your garment. Let me strain daily for your for healing. Let me strain daily for your restoration. Let me strain daily for you. You are the God who sees me. You are the God who heals.

I pray this finds you well.

I pray you surround yourself with women who sit at the feet of Jesus, and point you to his hem.

-Chorley

woman kneeling in desert

You Are a Difference Maker

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Sometimes we get caught up in so much and start to lose focus of the fact that we are a difference maker. There is this strange phenomenon going on… we have come to believe that just because we don’t believe that the things we are doing are important, we are not difference makers. If we don’t have kids, if we aren’t married, if we don’t have a discipleship group, if we don’t work outside of the home, if we don’t work inside of the home, if we are struggling with our health, depression, anxiety, or you just feel hidden. Everything you do makes a difference.

I believe the best way to tell you the truth is to show you in the Word. The Old Testament is my happy place. So that is where I will take you.

The Israelites spent years jumping in and out of slavery. This is exhausting for a person, and so much more exhausting for an entire race. For a race to know their history and know how often they return to slavery has got to start to wear down faith, trust and hope. I can see how they might think, “why bother”. The hidden people we see in the Old Testament that were seemingly unimportant were difference makers. Adam hid his shame in the garden. Moses hid in Midian. Josephs own brothers hid him in a well. Daniel was hidden in a lion’s den. Jael was hidden in a tent. Deborah was hidden behind Barak. Naomi was hidden by grief. They all had seasons of hiding. They also had seasons being difference makers.

One of the biggest difference makers in the Old Testament is a woman named Hadassah. She was a Jew who had been orphaned from her parents who came from the Tribe of Benjamin. The Tribe of Bengamin has a very colorful history. We see this in Judges 20-21. (please go read this story) Gibeah from the Tribe of Bengamin started a war by assaulting and killing a concubine. Then years later when the Tribe of Bengamin has been over taken by the Persians, Hadassah found herself a thousand miles from home hiding her identity. She hides her identity and even changes her name to Esther. I know many of you have read the story of Esther. Looking deep into the scriptures we can find out many intresting things about Hadassah.

Hadassah was a direct decedent of King Saul. We see that she was not only orphaned from her mother, but also her father. This was most likely from the military siege lead by King Nebuchadnezzar. Hadassah along with her uncle had been carried away to Persia by King Nebuchadnezzar with Jeconiah the king of Judah. The tribe of Benjamin fell under the rule of the Tribe of Judah in 930 B.C. and both were taken captive in 586 B.C. Hadassah and her uncle never returned to Jerusalem. God’s name was never recorded in her story. Hadassah did not enter a beauty contest. Her uncle did not desire this for her. She was taken. Taken. Put in Custody. She was placed in the custody of Hegai and was forced to “please him”. We don’t have a lot of context for what all would be included in “pleasing” your captor. she was held by Hegai for 12 months before going to see the king.

When we look back at the words and prophecy of Daniel 9, we know that Christ is coming from the line of David. In Esther we see that there is not only a plot to kill all of the Jews in Persia, but also to kill all of the Jews in the world. This would annihilate the lineage of David. However, we also see a woman that was taken away from her heritage, her people, who was hidden away. A woman who waited, watched, fasted, prayed: for just the right moment. When her uncle warns her that her silence may not save her, she finds her voice. He tells her that it is every aspect of her life that has brought her to this moment. Every hard thing and every blessing in her life has brought her to this moment.

Many of the things in our life that seem like a bad lot, are not. We always have the opportunity to make a difference with the Lot that we have been cast. Every negative thing in your life is for a reason. You don’t know freedom until you have been captive. You don’t know health until you have been sick. You don’t know love until you have faced loss. you don’t appreciate water until you have walked in the desert. You don’t respect guidance until you have wondered in the wilderness. You don’t understand loyalty until you have been betrayed. The choices you make today will have ripples that you may never get to see. The fruit of your obedience may be enjoyed by those you never meet.

I have repeatedly referred to her as Hadassah and not Esther because I want to encourage you to know who the Lord made you to be. If he has made you a new creation, walk in that authority. Remember what you have walked through and continue to walk out of captivity. Wait patiently for the Lord’s timing. We will have seasons of hiding and seasons of speaking. In his timing you come out of hiding, in his timing your voice is powerful. Seek the welfare of your people, speak peace to your people, but be ready to lay your life down. Your silence is loud.

beach black and white clouds dawn

Temptation to abandon our Identity.

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Have you reached the point that the devil no longer tempts you? Do you walk an uninterrupted life? One of the most influential books that I have ever read was, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. The book is written from the perspective of a devil (Screwtape) to his young nephew (Wormword), a devil in training. It lays out the trickery and coercion of the devil. And repeatedly refers to God as the enemy. Because after all, God is the Devils enemy. If the devil is not after you, then he may not see you as a threat. If you are not a threat against him… are you an ally?

I was recently reading in Matthew 3 and 4. I recommend you pause and Go read it real quick.

In Matthew 3 we see John the Baptist preparing the way for the coming Messiah. We see him call Jesus out and Baptize Jesus. Up until this point we have seen no temptation by the devil. Why? Is it because Jesus had not started his Fathers work yet? I don’t know. What I do know is that we have witnessed a few very significant things.

  • Jesus is baptized by John
  • The Spirit of God descended and rested on Jesus
  • God presented Jesus as his Son
  • Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness.

In Matthew 4, The Holy Spirit leads Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I compare this to a father taking his son to compete in a wrestling match. He takes him not with the forethought of defeat. Instead he takes him with faith that he will prevail. Just as Abraham took Isaac with faith that God would show up. We should never walk into a battle with the thought of defeat, but rather ready with the sword of God. [Ephesians 6:17]

The word says, And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread” but he answered, “it is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Jesus has fasted 40 days. That is 960 hours. That is 57,600 minutes. He has gone without food for this long period and the word says, He was hungry. The first thing the devil did was attack not only his hunger, but also Christ’s Identity as God’s Son. He also subsequently tried to lay out the fact that the Holy Spirit would have you fast, but I would not. The Holy Spirit would have you deny yourself, but I would not. Jesus responds to this attack with the perfect weapon.

Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written, “he will command his angels concerning you and on their hands they will bear you up lest you strike your foot against a stone.” Jesus said to him, “again it is written, ‘you shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

Jesus is no longer in a low place… but rather brought a little higher. The devil takes him and again attacks his identity as the Son of God while simultaneously he tells Jesus that when he is in trouble he can save himself. Have you ever been told that? Has anyone ever told you or made you believe that you don’t need God? Or any of these other phrases that slowly lead you away from the Lord…

  • Follow your heart, dreams, ect.
  • Good karma out good karma in
  • If God does this then I will ____.
  • If God is real he will_____.

How low would your faith have to be to believe that God has to prove himself. How low would your thoughts of God have to be to believe you don’t need him. BUT, I warn you.. this is a sly temptation that can get any of us.

Again the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, “ All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Be gone Satan! For it is written, “ You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.’” Then the devil left him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to him.

Jesus is brought up high and is then tempted with his biggest temptation. To worship one other than God! Jesus has the perfect response pulled straight from the Law right by the Shema. How many times have we been on a mountain and looked at things other than God?

Jesus was tempted when he was low in a valley. But he looked to God and used the Word. Jesus was tempted on level ground. But he looked to God and used the Word. Jesus was tempted on a mountain. But he looked to God and used the Word. Don’t for once believe that devil won’t tempt you at every chance he gets. If you are his enemy walking led by the Holy Spirit, he will be after you. He will attack your desires, your pride, your humility, your loneliness, your faith, your doubt. More than anything else, he will tempt you to abandon your identity in God. If this one thing is abandoned, much will follow. Use the weapon that the Lord has fashioned for you. Keep it sharp. Keep it within reach.

Praying this has been fruitful and encouraged you to seek the Word.

Chorley

Hear o, Israel. The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the Lord our God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 6:4-7

white textile

Routes of Remembrance

.Reading time 6 minutes.

Pain, Sorrow, Loss, Grief. These things are hard to walk through with grace. One of the hardest things about life is not understanding why some people leave when they do. Why one life is ended and not another. Why a strong relationship can suddenly be the past.

Over this past year I have watched much sorrow and grief. Sometimes I wish I were just hearing about these losses as I hear about the weather. That it may change how I dress for the day, but other than that I am unaffected. I wish I could just use scripture out of context and say, “Let the dead bury the dead”. That is not who the Lord has formed me to be. The Lord has formed me to, “Bear with one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”.

When I go to funerals, I watch the slide show with awe and wonder. I watch these snapshots from a life lived. Many of these slide shows last only 5 minutes. 5 minutes. How can you fit a life into 5 minutes? How can you share someone’s hopes, dreams, and memories of an entire life in 5 minutes? When I see their pictures holding a newborn baby, I wonder how long they prayed for that baby. I wonder if there were complications that lead them to seek the Lord. When I see wedding pictures, I wonder if the couple took every opportunity to tell each other that they love each other. I wonder if they left anything unsaid. More than anything, I watch in hopes that I will get to witness how much they loved the Lord. I will get to see how they loved. I will get to see how they served. I will get to see how they laid their life down for others. Getting to see this, is a gift that I also carry with me.

When someone we love leaves us for heaven, we all take a different route. There is the route of anger of loss. This route is not fruitful and doesn’t give a good witness to the love of the Lord or the one we lost. There is the route of denial. This route pretends everything is fine and never speaks of the one’s we have lost. There are plenty of other routes to take that I won’t go into. The route I love the most is continuing on with life and carrying those we love with us. Speaking of them. Telling others about them. Using the things they taught us. Not dwelling on their mistakes. More than anything else, sharing how the Lord used them to grow us. It is easier to do these things if we really loved them.

When I look at this route as a way to continue after the loss of a loved one, I ask… what about Jesus? Jesus died and was rose again. How do we continue on from that? Do we carry him with us in our life every day? Do we speak of him? Do we tell others about him? Do we use the things he has taught us? Do we dwell on the things he didn’t do for us? Do we share how the Lord used him to grow us?

Or… are we stuck angry about where we don’t see him? Do we live in denial of him? Is he out of sight out of mind? After all… “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” “Go into all the world and proclaim the good news”

When the wind blows through the warm sheets on the line, I will remember her and know the wind obeys him.
When I tuck my child into the crisp sheets at night and smell a soft remanence of dirt, grass and rain, I will remember her and I will be reminded that they are good soil.
When the twang of a banjo cord vibrates on my thumb, I will remember her and I will sing songs of praise to God. 
When the juice of a peach runs down the blade of my paring knife, I will remember her and I will pray for a fruitful lineage. 
When I hear my children’s laughter as they run through an orchard, I will remember her and I will know that I am just on this side of Heaven; planted and waiting upon the Lord.

Selah

Chorley

photo of mountain under cloudy sky

Marriage: Part 8 Vows, Covenants, Rainbows.

.Reading time 9 minutes.

I have been writing to all of you concerning marriage. We have had 7 parts to this so far. I don’t know everything about marriage. I do know that with Christ all things are possible. I promised to send one about vows… so here you go. I pray this finds you well.

I recently had a chance to sit deeply in Numbers 30. If you have not had a chance to go through it I suggest that you do before you go any further. When I first turned to numbers 30, I noticed that it spoke of a Man’s Vows and a Woman’s Vows separately. I also noticed that the man’s section was 2 verses long. The woman’s vows, however, were 13 verses long. My gut reaction was WHY DO WE HAVE MORE RULES. Again, this is just my “strong independent woman” background speaking. We can often glimpse at something and not find it worthy of our time. Lord walk with us!

I have highlighted a few verses to share with you.

  • V2: If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.
  • V8: But if, on the day that her husband comes to hear of it, he opposes her, then he makes void her vow that was on her, and the thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she bound herself. And the LORD will forgive her. 
  • V9: (But any vow of a widow or of a divorced woman, anything by which she has bound herself, shall stand against her.) 
  • V12: But if her husband makes them null and void on the day that he hears them, then whatever proceeds out of her lips concerning her vows or concerning her pledge of herself shall not stand. Her husband has made them void, and the LORD will forgive her. 
  • V15: But if he (her husband) makes them null and void after he has heard of them, then he shall bear her iniquity.”

As I slowly walked and crawled through this text, I was able to see and understand that the Lord did not set up all of these additional rules for women. The word clearly says to keep your word, your vow, your pledge.  He also gave us many opportunities to rely on the discernment and leadership of the men set over us. To protect us.

This glance over our vows and pledges reminded me of the Lord’s Covenant with us. So, I decided to look over the Covenant that the Lord spoke of. The one with Noah. You first find this mentioned in Genesis 9.

9“Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, 10and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. 11I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.” 12And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.”

I am fond of Hebrew number meaning. The number nine is associated with surrounding, fruitfulness, and finality. I had wondered why God waited so long after the fall to destroy man and then make a covenant with him. That is until I looked at it as a necessary step to finalize the period of fall of man. The entire time after Adam and Eve were deceived by the serpent up until the time waters receded… was the fall.  

I wanted to dig into this Covenant sign a little. God says that he has set his bow in the cloud, as a sign of the Covenant. This bow is often translated as a rainbow. The Hebrew word is qesheth. Which means bow, arch, bend. The physics behind a rainbow are even more fascinating. The blue base (foundation) color of a rainbow bends at exactly 40 degrees. (40 is a popular number!) Three things are required for one to see a rainbow.

  1. The sun must be behind you.
  2. Raindrops in the sky in front of you
  3. Sunlight must be able to reach the raindrops without any obstruction.

Now read those three things from a spiritual perspective.

  1. The Son must be radiating behind you. Warming your back and lighting your path.
  2. The living water that comes from above must be in front of you.
  3. Obstructions of you and your life or your sin can not be placed between his light and his living water.

Lord walk with us. I can’t read this list of seeing a rainbow without weeping over his perfect creations. His perfect sign. His perfect covenant.

When we look at this all as a whole, we can understand that our vows need to be kept. That out fathers and our husbands are meant to protect us in these vows. That our fathers and our husbands will have to bear our inequity when they have us break our vows. That the original covenant sign is one bending to another without obstruction. This is Chesed love!

Do you keep your vows?

Do you (rely on/allow) your (father/spouse) to protect you in these vows?

Do you work hard to bend into your spouse?

When your spouse bends into you, do you remove obstructions?

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Head over to the Distaff & Spindle to grab one of the new “Covenant” shirts!

Selling shirts is how I keep the content free and ad free.

Covenant
monochrome photo of couple holding hands

Marriage: Part 5 Agape

.Reading time 8 minutes.

agápē. to prefer, to love.

I recently went to a funeral for a very kind man. He had served his church for over 15 years. Over the last two weeks I listened to stories from many friends and loved ones. I never got the chance to know him well, but what little I did know, told me that he was an encourager. Meaning that he; 1. Had courage. The kind of courage that only comes from the Lord.  2. He shared his God-given courage with those around him. I believe those two things are a requirement in order to be an encourager. It was not the video, the stories, or even the flag on the casket that made me choke on a lump in my throat. It was his wife.  She is a very kind woman who has always welcomed me with open arms. Before the funeral the family came in to be served lunch. As the meal went on, the immediate family that had been sitting with her would work their way around the room or into the sanctuary to steal a few minutes alone with their patriarch before the service. At one point I saw her sitting alone at the the table that was once filled with her family. It was in that moment that the reality of her situation became heavy enough to drown me. I had the urge to run to her and tell her that I’m sorry she is sitting alone. I’m sorry that she will have to do many things alone now. I am sorry that the person who has always chose her over himself is gone. I’m. Just. Sorry.  However, I know that would have never helped her. It would have only benefited me and my misplaced guilt. So, I sat quietly praying for the Lord to give her courage. For him to hold her up. In her eyes, I saw agape. I saw love even in death.

The verse that I always think about when I consider agape love is John 21: 15-19.

15When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” 16He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” 17He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. 18Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” 19 And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”

In this passage we see Peter not in agreeance with Jesus, but rather him admitting that he doesn’t love Jesus as much as he thought he had. Peter once told Jesus that he would lay his life down for him. [Jesus] However, that is not how things played out. Peter did in fact deny Christ as predicted. After the regretful denial, Jesus is asking if Peter prefers Jesus over himself and Peter is honest in his response. Sometimes we fail at walking out our love for our spouse just as Peter failed walking out his love for Christ. (In that moment)

Agape love is a love of service. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen once said, “The night of the last supper the Apostles were quarreling as to who would have the first place at the table among themselves. Our Blessed Lord then got down on his knees, washed their feet and wiped them with a towel. How few there are who ever fight for the towel.” When I say that Agape love is also a service love… think back to the other types of love that we have gone through in the previous posts in the marriage series. Storge’. How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your Storge’ (protective/family love? How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your phileo (friendship) love? Eros. How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your Eros (intimate) love? When you look at these other three loves remember that the desire to choose your spouse over yourself and serve your spouse in these areas is driven by the Agape love. If you don’t have this Agape love for your spouse, it will definitely show up in these other loves; specifically the Storge’ and Eros.

Agape is for better for worse. Agape is in sickness and in health. Agape is till death do us part. Agape pulls it’s weight and sometimes more. Within the sanctity of marriage, Agape intimately desires.

Go back to the original marriage PDF and look at where Agape is located on the marriage square. Ask yourself where you are winning and where you are loosing in the Agape section, in your marriage. Ask yourself where you and your spouse make an active effort to choose each other. As well as where you don’t. Gave yourself a rating 1-10. 10 being good, 1 being “needs MUCH improvement” Don’t only rate your spouse. Rate your marriage as a whole. Write out your reasons. Don’t ever do this as a reason to list your spouse’s short comings! Have you washed you spouses feet? Is your marriage a place where you walk with humility?

I am praying this finds you well and seeking a Godly marriage.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

I hope you subscribe so you will be notified when the next installments are published. Marriage Part 6: A Husband Spiritually Leading. & Marriage Part 7: A Wife Spiritually Submitting. If you have any questions feel free to contact me through the “contract” page.

vintage photo of a dog lying on the bed

Marriage: Part 4 Eros

.Reading time 10 minutes.

This post has taken me a while to write because this can be such a difficult subject to approach. In the marriage conversations that I have had with women, sex is always an issue of discussion. However, the truth of the matter is that sex is just one small aspect of the Eros love. When discussing the eros love and all it entails, my friend Richard Manlove told me, “It’s not just sex, even the dogs can do that.” I can not think of any better way to break it down. I’ll try.

Eros does not mean erotic. The word erotic was not used until the early 1600s. Erotic was used in Greek to describe anything that relates to sex or sexual desire. Lets stop calling Eros the erotic love. Let’s decided now that we will see Eros for what it was meant to be. The intimate love and oneness between a husband and wife. Remember that while Phileo love is two people walking in the same direction, Eros love is two people towards each other with a common goal nestled between them.

In a righteous world, everyone would find a mate, marry, and then engage in a sexual relationship. However, we do not live in a righteous world. Rather we live in a broken world. The majority of people, and self-proclaimed Christians, believe sex outside of marriage is an outdated practice. The dating site Christian Mingle did a survey in 2014 with it’s members. 61% stated that that they were willing to have casual sex without being in love, while only 11% said they were waiting until marriage to have sex. 40 million Americans regularly visit a pornographic website and 35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography. 1/3 of all porn viewers are female. 70% of Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Popular culture has told us that modesty is meant to shame and hide our bodies. Culture, childhood trauma, incest, and sexual assaults have contributed to the poor example of intimacy or the inability for many to connect to another human in any manner of intimacy.

Oh how far we have fallen. In the beginning we see Adam and Eve walking in their beautifully naked bodies. It is not until sin comes that they feel shame and hide themselves from God. It is out of pity and love that we see God sacrifice an animal so that their bodies are covered. Over and over sacrifice is made to “cover” mankind’s indiscretions. When a child is young they are taught about intimate relationships. They are shown stories about sleeping beauties and longing princes. They also mindlessly observe the interpersonal relationships between their parents. They observe if a father kisses a wife’s cheek or slaps it. They observe if a wife lights up when her husband gets home from work or if she walks into another room. These things that we may think are minor create the foundation from which a child will build.

Sex in a marriage is important. That is why 1st Corinthians tells us, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It is no surprise that this was told to the believers of Corinth. A place known to have so many heathens and sexual deviants, Caligula himself would have thrived had his canal project succeeded. The frequency and quality of sex will be different with every couple. It will also be different with every season of life. There are a few factors that I want to discuss.

Seasons. Things shift differently for every season of your life. There may be a season where a child sleeps in your bed. There may be a season where one doesn’t go to bed until the other gets up for work. There might come a time in your life when you are no longer sexually active with your spouse due to hormones and age. So, Health.

Health plays a huge role in sex in a marriage. If one person has imbalanced hormones, they may be over sexually active or under active. If one is sick or in pain, their body may prevent any type of arousal. Sex without arousal is not healthy mentally or physically.

Then, there is the group I refer to as the “outside influences”. Adultry, Rape, Incest, Unresolved Trauma, Abortion, Infertility (and fertility), Trust, Identity, Modesty, Porn, Social Media.

If you think these things can’t attack your marriage, you are lying to yourself!

Unresolved trauma: Guards hearts and minds from receiving love in a healthy manner.

Rape: Can leave one feeling attacked and unsafe during every sexual encounter.

Incest: Can set victims up to give sex, in order to receive love.

Abortion: Can leave feelings of shame, regret, and strife.

Infertility: Can leave either person feeling worthless or broken.

Fertility: Fear of becoming pregnant (too many times) can lead to unhealthy abstinence.

Trust: Not trusting your spouse in a marriage prevents all intimacy.

Identity: Not having your identity in Christ can lead to self-sabotage.

Porn: Leads to desiring people or scenarios other than your spouse

Social Media: Can lead to unfairly comparing your spouse or marriage with others.

Modesty: I know this is not a popular topic. When you bring up modesty, many women raised in my generation snub their nose. We were taught to be proud of our amazing bodies and show off what we are proud of. Don’t let men tell you to hide your body. Well, none of that has anything to do with modesty. It is a heart matter. The word I am reminded of above all is, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31 and “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” – 1 Peter 3:3-4. I would love to discuss this topic more in a later post. The list of things that immodesty breeds from and causes is too extensive for this post.

When you look at all the different factors that can impact the intimacy in your marriage, it seems exhausting. I didn’t even discuss drugs and or alcohol. However, the Lord has the power to move in all of these situations. I suggest that you rate this area of your marriage in the same way that you rated all of the other areas up to this point. Remember you don’t rate just your spouse. You are rating your marriage in the area of Eros love. 1-10. If you are not at a 10, discuss why. Be open, honest, and vulnerable in this conversation. Consider the veracity as well as the benevolence of your words and reactions.

Is something in the way of your intimacy?

Do intimate encounters start from you trying to show love or from trying to receive sexual gratification?

Do any of the “outside influences” need to be discussed?

What scripture guides your Eros love?

If your Eros more than what the dogs do?

As always, I pray this finds you well.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

gray scale couple walking on snow covered ground

Marriage: Part 3 Phileo

.Reading time 9 minutes.

One of the things that suits me best is to write what I know. As I sit here and write this I am looking at a picture of my husband and I from our last hunting trip. In the photo I have an odd laughing expression. My phone takes motion picture, which means it records up until the moment the photo is taken. When I click “view motion picture”, I hear my husband, who is posing in the picture, say, “I farted, can you smell that?” This is a big part of our marriage. Being around each other. Being real with each other. Laughing with each other. Because… we are friends.

Phileo love is the friendship love.

The Strong’s concordance number is 5368 philéō (from 5384 /phílos, “affectionate friendship”) – properly, to show warm affection in intimate friendship, characterized by tender, heartfelt consideration and kinship.

When I look at this break down, I think of two different things: the first being the song You’ve Got a Friend by James Taylor. If you haven’t heard it, google it! The second being what is occasionally referred to as “Jesus Reinstates Peter”. I always laugh a little and wonder if the one who titled this section read the same text that I did.

If you go to John 21:15-19, you read about Jesus asking Peter if he loved him. Jesus is asking “if Peter Agape’ him?”. Peter then responds that he Phileo him. Jesus asked “if he Agape’ him?” and again Peter responds that he Phileo him. Then Jesus asked “do you Phileo me?” and Peter responds that he Phileos him. I don’t believe this is a reinstatement, but I am not the voice of the Lord for you. What I do see here is Peter admitting that he was not willing to sacrifice for Jesus, but he was willing to have an intimate friendship with a tender heartfelt consideration and kinship. Peter is not telling Jesus that he doesn’t love him or they are only friends. There is a lot of weight to say that you phileo someone.

In my life I have had some very good relationships and I have had some very unhealthy relationships. ANY relationship that is one sided is unhealthy. A big chunk of the “friends” on my Facebook are merely acquaintances. Some people that I used to consider dear friends have become just acquaintances. I will explain why.

In our own time, friendship arises in the same way. It may be a common religion, common studies, a common profession even common recreation. All who share it will be out companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our friends.

–C.S. Lewis

For someone to be a friend and not a companion or as I refer to them, acquaintance, there has to be more to the relationship. There has to be a commonality between their lives that is shared. The commonality could be something positive, like Disciple making or the church you attend. The commonality could also be negative like over-indulging in alcohol or gossiping. When a friendship is not rooted in something deep, the friendship may fade away when the commonality stops happening. I used to socially drink with a veterans group. When I stopped drinking, I had little interest to be around the group. If a mother looses a child, she may seek friends that have had the same experience. Seeking someone who “gets it”.

True friendship seeks to be loyal. In every action or conversation a true friend seeks to preserve the other friend, the truth, and the relationship. These three things are seen as valuable. I know that when I leave the room, my husband will not allow me to be attacked, lied about or allow anyone (including himself) to question our marriage. This brings me comfort. If you phileo anyone, you may consider these things: Are you a loyal friend? Are they? Are they loyal, not only when you are in the room, but when you are out? You can be honest and loyal at the same time.

Friendship has no survival value, rather it is one of the things which give value to survival.

C.S. Lewis

Does the friendship give your life value? Is it missed when it is gone? When I was in Iraq , I was not stationed with my husband. I longed for the days that we would get to visit each others bases. I would pull security on bomb filled roads just to get to see his face for 5 minutes. When I would see his face I could almost hear the theme song from Top Gun playing. That 5 minutes would get me through till the next time. sometimes it would be days apart, sometimes months. Our time was precious. I occasionally forget that now that we get to see each other most days. Writing this has opened my eyes to some of my own actions or inactions. Other than my husband, most of my real friends, my phileo friends have died. Either from war, suicide or cancer. The few Phileos that I have left have a special place in my heart. And my calendar.

So, it is time to ask yourself a few questions about the friendship you have with your spouse.

  • Is your spouse your best friend?
  • If not, who is and why?
  • Do you have heartfelt companionship with your spouse?
  • What are your commonalities?
  • What commonalities have you lost? Has that left an impact?
  • Are you both loyal?
  • Do you gossip or talk down about your spouse?
  • Do you shut down negative talk about your spouse?
  • Are you honest with each other?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Do you miss them when they are gone?

While Eros may look like two people walking toward each other with all desire and adoration for each other; Phileo is two people walking side by side, in the same direction, while taking special care to not go too fast or too slow, but stay in step.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Remember the PDF from Part 1 and 2. Now after going through the above questions, rate how you are doing in this area from 1-10. We don’t rate the husband. We don’t rate the wife. We rate the marriage. Then we discuss how we can progress. I will share a new PDF below. There is a 1-10 scale available. I have also updated the PDF for storge’ to have the same scale. Think 10 is “great” and 1 is “needs lots of improvement”.

Walk through this world with one who wants to be at your side.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Chorley-PhileoDownload
white tent in the middle of forest

Marriage Part 2: Storge’

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Just to recap…

The last post that I made was Marriage Part 1. I want to remind you all that I am in no way a marriage expert. I am an imperfect woman married to an imperfect man. In Part 1, I walked through the 4 types of love that we find in a marriage. I gave just a small section on each love. Now, I will dive into each one with you very slowly and talk about how we can assess this in our marriage.

Part 2: Storge’

After reading (well, listening to) C.S. Lewis discuss the four loves, I have a refreshed take on them. I want to share where I have landed the plane and how we walk this out in our marriages. I start with storge’ because Lewis did. He did it for specific reasons. Storge’ is the Family/ Protective love. You can pinpoint when you became friends with someone or when you began intimacy or when you chose them over you. Pinpointing the very moment that someone became family is a very different matter. At first, I didn’t agree that this was a reality. Then I tried to remember at what point my friend Debbie became my family. I couldn’t tell you. Just suddenly one day, she was family.

Storge’ love finds us doing things to protect those we love. We don’t do these things out of lordship or authority, rather we do them out of responsibility. It is my responsibility to teach my children about the Lord just as much as it is my responsibility to teach them how to dress appropriately. The difference in responsibility and authority is that I don’t Lord my decisions over them and I allow them to walk in the freedom of their choices (with reason). I don’t make every decision for them out of my responsibility to protect them. In a marriage we can assess how we are doing on this type of love. We do this best by first laying out who is doing (or not doing) what. I often refer to this love as the hotdog underwear. I share this with many women I teach this to. In our home, laundry is generally my job. It is this way because My husband works 10-15 hour days usually 5 days a week. I am retired from the military, so I am home more than him. When I am slacking on this duty, my husband will kindly say, “I am on hotdog underwear”. This means that he is on his last pair of clean underwear, which happen to have a hotdog pattern. He hates these underwear because of the fit and length. However, I don’t get rid of them because if he didn’t hate them, he might not tell me. Then I might not immediately throw a load in the wash.

This may sound different. I protect my family with clean clothes. I protect my family with warm meals. I protect my family with smart financial decisions. I protect my family with healthy boundaries. I protect my family’s mental health. I protect my family’s physical health. When I say protect, I mean I love and care for them in this so much that I am willing to do more. More without resentment or bitterness.

My family does not need to have the newest clothes, but I protect them by making sure they have what they need. My family does not need to have the biggest and nicest house, but I protect them by making sure it is a warm home where they feel safe. My family doesn’t need a million-dollar paycheck, but I take care of them by making sure all our bills are paid before any “extras” are purchased. My family may want every extended family member in their life, but I protect them by setting healthy boundaries with flakey, irresponsible or even dangerous family members. When we first lay out our responsibilities and discuss our role in the marriage, we can see if there is an even distribution of duty. After laying out responsibilities we can dig into our financial decisions, discuss unrealistic expectations we may have of each other, mental health and stability, physical health and caregiver roles.

So ask yourself a few questions.

What are your responsibilities?

What are your spouse’s responsibilities?

Are all parties aware of their responsibilities?

Are you putting any unrealistic expectations on each other?

Am I seeking to protect their mental health and physical health?

Has mental health or physical health issues put a strain on us?

Are you in agreement about your financial choices?

Once all of this is done, each spouse can rate how they believe the couple is doing in this love on a scale of 1-10. We don’t rate the husband, we don’t rate the wife. We rate the marriage. Then we discuss how we can progress.

I am very intentional about not giving a specific scripture to cling to on this. BECAUSE… no one is married to Mike Chorley except me. The voice of the Lord may be different for me than it would be for someone else because I am married to someone else. What I do encourage everyone do, find a scripture that models this love well for your marriage. One the Lord revealed to YOU. Then when things come up that start to rock your marriage, add another scripture to this Storge’ section. When you pray for your marriage, read these scriptures. When the Lord gives you these scriptures and you see the kingdom break through in your marriage praise God for that pillar of faith in your marriage.

Make sure to download the PDF from the beginning of this series. When you decided on the scripture for your Storge’, write it under your Storge’ section. I will provide an example of a couple of mine in a PDF below.

REMEMBER!

PROTECT WHAT IS INSIDE YOUR TENT, KNOW WHAT IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR TENT.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

chorley-storgeDownload

Marriage: Part 1

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is sweet. Marriage is biblical. Marriage is a choice. I have been married for sixteen years. I am not the perfect wife by any means. I am also not married to the perfect husband. However, we are both married to the one that is perfect for us. We have had times where we failed each other and had to seek forgiveness. We both deployed to Iraq in 2005 and were not always stationed near each other. There were times that situations, bombings, and firefights happened and neither of us were sure if the other would make it back to the base alive. He also sat by my bed when I was in a medically induced coma just days after the birth of our son. We both live with post-traumatic stress disorders, traumatic brain injuries, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. We have seasons where one is doing better than the other, both are struggling, or both are good. No matter what season we are in I am thankful that I have someone by my side.

Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can lift him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie sown together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

When I was being discipled, I was taught a tool for marriage. This tool is known as the marriage square. The tool basically teaches that there are four loves. (If you have never read C.S. Lewis’ Four loves, I strongly recommend it. It is available on audible!) This tool teaches that AGAPE feeds the STORGE, EROS, and PHILEO in our marriages. When Rachel taught me this tool, I told her that it was good info about the types of love, but I didn’t think it was practical. She responded with, “Then change it. Find a way to make it practical.” SO, that is what I am going to share with yall. This will be a multi-series because there is a lot of information and homework with each of these.

Most of my childhood is filled with trauma, abuse, sexual disfunction and promiscuity. I was never taught about healthy intimacy or marriage growing up. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom divorced her second husband when he went to jail for child molestation. Then, I watched my mother go through three more marriages. My mother came from an alcoholic and abusive home. I believe that many children are taught how to be married and what is important in a marriage. My husband came from two people that are still married 40+ years later who came from parents who died married. My husband’s parents were raised Catholic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with their commitment. I do know that divorce is way less acceptable in the Catholic culture. I bring up the stark contrast of our upbringing for many reasons. One is that Marriage is often generational. Two: Just because people stay married till death, does not mean that it is a healthy marriage. Going through this process of finding out about different marital loves and how to walk it out has transformed my marriage to look less like the World and more like the Word.

For this 1st part of the series I am going to do a small break down of the four different types of love that we are going to go through.

  • STORGE’
  • PHILEO
  • EROS
  • AGAPE’

Storge’ is a family love. If you search through the Bible, you will not find it. However, you will find it attached to different words. In Romans 1:31 and in 2 Timothy 3:3 you find ASTORGOS. This is defined as heartless. In other books you find PHILEOSTORGOS, brotherly love. While, you cannot find this type of love by spelling; you can find it in concept that is built by the context of the situation of the word. We see Noah have this love for his family during the flood. We see Ruth have this type of love for Naomi. We see Martha and Mary have this kind of love for Lazarus. This love is protective, caring and responsible.

Phileo is the friendly love. You will find this type of love in the Bible and you will find it attached to many other words. The most notable place for this word is when I read Peter’s response to Jesus asking him if he loves him. Jesus asked him if he loved (agape) him, Peter responds that he loves (phileo) him. Phileo is loyal, truthful, and honest.

Eros is the intimate love. I use the word intimate because intimacy is more than sex. The sexual and intimate relationship between a husband and wife is one that has to be nurtured, guarded, and exclusive. Things that impact this love are sex, health, past trauma, porn, adulty, social media, and identity.

The last type of love is agape’. Agape is a sacrificial love. This is the I choose you over me. I think of the traditional vows. I take____ to be my wedded___, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. All of these types of love are crucial to a healthy marriage. The agape feeds the “reason” of all the others. As in, I do these others because I choose you over me because I love you more than I love myself.

After all the loves have been discussed, the next thing that gets discussed is:

  • The husband spiritually leading the wife
  • The wife submitting to the husband’s authority

I pray this finds you and your marriage well. If you have any questions make sure to either drop a comment or email me at Andi@andichorley.com

Grace & Peace

Chorley

The next part of this series is: Marriage: Part 2 Storge’ Download this PDF in preparation for the next part in the series.

marriage-square-pdfDownload