I wish I could say that I have suffered enough pain for my life, so I should be exempt from anymore. That is simply not the truth. The truth is that I have sinned over and over in my life and I, like most, deserve no grace. I have yet to find any place in the word that says that the I have earned the Lords love and kindness so he must make it possible for me to live happily ever after. The word paints quite a different picture for me. While it is not all sunshine and rainbows, it is still a picture that I choose to accept because it all works out for my good.

Back in 2007 I was quite the Soldier. (At least I thought so because you know… I’m prideful) I had made it through 3 years in the Army and 1 deployment without any knee pain. I bragged about it to my husband. He was going to regular doctors’ appointments for his knee problems. You were a unicorn if you didn’t have knee pain. Having been one with no knee pain and being a female, I got roped into a lot of extra training. We were gearing up for our next deployment. Most infantry companies now employ at least one female for combat missions. With tensions being as high as they are now, you don’t want a male soldier searching a female detainee. This is especially true for a female detainee that is Muslim. That is one reason that it is important for every unit to have at least one female. Well, for many missions, I was that one. While training I went on an Air Assault mission. The leadership decided not to waste time repelling from the Blackhawk. Instead, the helicopter swooped down as low as it could and we all jumped. The jump was probably five feet from the ground. I was wearing my vest, assault pack (backpack), rifle, and a 50-caliber barrel on my shoulder. The vest weighs 16 lbs., ammo in the vest adds about 7 lbs., the pack weighs 25, The rifle 11 lbs., the barrel weighs 24lbs. All together that is 83 lbs. on my (at the time) 113 lb. body. I’ll do the math for you, that is 73% of my weight. This small jump should have been fine and not injured anyone. Well…I have a genetic disorder called Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder. Basically, my joints bend further than they should because the ligaments in my body are too loose. This results in limbs moving into positions that they shouldn’t, which leads to sprains, breaks and a lot of pain. If I bend my knee a certain way, the ligament that is known as the hamstring (behind my knee) will get hooked on the side of my fibula (leg bone) and prevent me from standing up. If it gets hooked, when I try to stand it will feel like I am ripping my leg off. So, when I hit the ground with 73% of my body weight on my back, my knees buckled backwards which led to me fracturing both patella’s. I am no longer a unicorn. My knees have gotten worse over the years. Sometimes I just scream trying to stand, and sometimes they feel fine.

This morning I was sitting in Luke 9:23. And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” There is more to the conversation… but I narrowed in on this. I woke up this morning and felt okay. Sore from working out, but okay. As I read the scripture, I told myself that surly I pick up my cross daily. Surly I willingly pick it up. I looked into this word “cross” in the Strong’s concordance. Stauros. An instrument of crucifixion. The cross represents unspeakable pain, humiliation, and suffering- and ironically it is also the symbol of infinite love. It is not a symbol for suffering in general. Rather it refers to withstanding persecution (difficult times), by the Lord’s power, as he directs the circumstances of life. As Christ’s Disciples, believers are told to hold true even when attacked by the ungodly. I prayed for the Lord to remind me over and over to pick up my cross. I prayed for him to continue to humble me, and I thanked him for the blessings of his word. I stood up… and went downstairs. On my way down the stairs my ankle gave out and I started to fall. When I caught myself, my kneecap slipped out of place. I was able to slip it right back because I have those amazing Stretch Armstrong ligaments. I immediately thought… NOT THIS CROSS! I don’t want to pick this one up. This one is not convenient for me. This one shows my physical weakness. I tried to walk, and I could barely put weight on it. I was immediately annoyed by my minor inconvenience. While at church I stood and worshipped as I usually do. I was then annoyed again because it was too painful to kneel down to pray. “ Why am I feeling pain that is preventing me from worshipping as I desire to worship!” As soon as the thought hit my head, my other leg became too weak to stand and I was forced to sit down. As soon as I was able to catch my breath and feel a break from the pain and weakness I stood again. It wasn’t long before I had to sit again. I was frustrated and hurting and just wanted to cry. As soon as I said the words, “Why God?” He reminded me of the pain of the cross he bore. He reminded me of his questions to Job. He reminded me of his strength in my weakness. He reminded me that I should not be surprised when a fiery trial comes upon me. He reminded me to rejoice in my sufferings. He reminded me that I said I was willing to pick up my cross and follow him. I would pick up my pain. I would pick up my humiliation. I would pick up my suffering. And follow him. I immediately repented. The congregation was asked to stand. I stood up and tears just flowed from my eyes. They flowed with joy and thanksgiving because I was standing and putting weight on my knee and most of my pain had been removed.

I live most of my life in some type of physical pain. I have asked the Lord to take it many times. Often the answer is no. When the answer is no, I just remind myself that the Lord may have me suffer this pain to keep me humble. I am no Paul, far from it. But I do know that Paul’s thorn kept him humble. I can respect that. After all, no discipline feels good at the time. So, yes Lord, continue to break me to my knees and humble me. I witnessed a physical miracle this morning. How precious a gift is it to witness a miracle, let alone feel one. The weight of our load may seem heavy, but all things are possible through he who strengthens me.

What cross have you been asked to carry? Physical, Mental, Spiritual.

Do you pick it up willingly and daily?

How do you hold true when attacked, when in pain, when humiliated, when suffering?

I pray this finds you well.

Grace & Peace

Chorley