Author: andichorley

photo of mountain under cloudy sky

Marriage: Part 8 Vows, Covenants, Rainbows.

.Reading time 9 minutes.

I have been writing to all of you concerning marriage. We have had 7 parts to this so far. I don’t know everything about marriage. I do know that with Christ all things are possible. I promised to send one about vows… so here you go. I pray this finds you well.

I recently had a chance to sit deeply in Numbers 30. If you have not had a chance to go through it I suggest that you do before you go any further. When I first turned to numbers 30, I noticed that it spoke of a Man’s Vows and a Woman’s Vows separately. I also noticed that the man’s section was 2 verses long. The woman’s vows, however, were 13 verses long. My gut reaction was WHY DO WE HAVE MORE RULES. Again, this is just my “strong independent woman” background speaking. We can often glimpse at something and not find it worthy of our time. Lord walk with us!

I have highlighted a few verses to share with you.

  • V2: If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.
  • V8: But if, on the day that her husband comes to hear of it, he opposes her, then he makes void her vow that was on her, and the thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she bound herself. And the LORD will forgive her. 
  • V9: (But any vow of a widow or of a divorced woman, anything by which she has bound herself, shall stand against her.) 
  • V12: But if her husband makes them null and void on the day that he hears them, then whatever proceeds out of her lips concerning her vows or concerning her pledge of herself shall not stand. Her husband has made them void, and the LORD will forgive her. 
  • V15: But if he (her husband) makes them null and void after he has heard of them, then he shall bear her iniquity.”

As I slowly walked and crawled through this text, I was able to see and understand that the Lord did not set up all of these additional rules for women. The word clearly says to keep your word, your vow, your pledge.  He also gave us many opportunities to rely on the discernment and leadership of the men set over us. To protect us.

This glance over our vows and pledges reminded me of the Lord’s Covenant with us. So, I decided to look over the Covenant that the Lord spoke of. The one with Noah. You first find this mentioned in Genesis 9.

9“Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, 10and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. 11I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.” 12And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.”

I am fond of Hebrew number meaning. The number nine is associated with surrounding, fruitfulness, and finality. I had wondered why God waited so long after the fall to destroy man and then make a covenant with him. That is until I looked at it as a necessary step to finalize the period of fall of man. The entire time after Adam and Eve were deceived by the serpent up until the time waters receded… was the fall.  

I wanted to dig into this Covenant sign a little. God says that he has set his bow in the cloud, as a sign of the Covenant. This bow is often translated as a rainbow. The Hebrew word is qesheth. Which means bow, arch, bend. The physics behind a rainbow are even more fascinating. The blue base (foundation) color of a rainbow bends at exactly 40 degrees. (40 is a popular number!) Three things are required for one to see a rainbow.

  1. The sun must be behind you.
  2. Raindrops in the sky in front of you
  3. Sunlight must be able to reach the raindrops without any obstruction.

Now read those three things from a spiritual perspective.

  1. The Son must be radiating behind you. Warming your back and lighting your path.
  2. The living water that comes from above must be in front of you.
  3. Obstructions of you and your life or your sin can not be placed between his light and his living water.

Lord walk with us. I can’t read this list of seeing a rainbow without weeping over his perfect creations. His perfect sign. His perfect covenant.

When we look at this all as a whole, we can understand that our vows need to be kept. That out fathers and our husbands are meant to protect us in these vows. That our fathers and our husbands will have to bear our inequity when they have us break our vows. That the original covenant sign is one bending to another without obstruction. This is Chesed love!

Do you keep your vows?

Do you (rely on/allow) your (father/spouse) to protect you in these vows?

Do you work hard to bend into your spouse?

When your spouse bends into you, do you remove obstructions?

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Head over to the Distaff & Spindle to grab one of the new “Covenant” shirts!

Selling shirts is how I keep the content free and ad free.

Covenant
a silhouette of a couple walking on a grass field

Marriage Part 7: Wife Submitting

.Reading time 7 minutes.

I think that I have shared before, that I was not raised in a home that was conducive to this practice. I call it a practice because it takes constant work. When we read the Word, many don’t always think that it applies because it was written so long ago and things are not how they use to be. Well, I want to lay something out for you.

1763-1774 American Revolution, thousands of men die

1847 Women’s Suffrage Movement begins

1861-1865 American Civil War, with 620, 000 deaths

1914-1918 World War 1, killing 117, 000 American soldiers

1915 Suffrage Movement Marches up 5th Avenue, over 25, 000 women protested

1918 Influenza epidemic begins, killing 20 million

1920 The 19th Amendment is signed; Women now have the right to vote.

1929 The stock market crashes, and the Great depression begins. While men’s employment rates dropped, women’s employment rates rose.

1939-1945 World War 2, 6 million women joined the workforce, most out of necessity. The US suffered 418,500 deaths. After the war, many women were laid off either from job eliminations or to employ a man returning from war.

1960s Women protests begin for equal pay

1961-1975 US involved in Vietnam War 58,220 casualties, Men returning home from war had a high rate of PTSD, alcoholism, substance abuse, and domestic violence.

1980 Highest divorce rates to date

1990’s 7.6 million single mothers in the US

2003 The US invades Iraq, over 160 women die in combat.

One thing that I see over and over in this data is that we have war that leads to hardships. When these hardships happen, women raise up in the temporary situation, but we have a domino effect that is impacting generation after generation. Myself, having been a child from a broken home, raised by a strong independent woman, who was raised by her hard working mother (who was raised by her one armed mother after her father died in a farming accident during the dust bowl) and an alcoholic father (who was abandoned as a baby by his gangster bootleg parents and raised by adoptive parents) can see that hardships are generational. I can also see that because of generational hardships and trauma, I was raised to not submit to a man. Instead, I was told to be strong and independent. That is how I found myself attached to an infantry platoon in the middle of the Kadhimiya province in Iraq. When I came home from Iraq, there was no way that I ever would have said I believed in wives submitting to their spouse. However, the Lord changed my mind.

When I really made Jesus Lord of my life in 2016, I began to desire something different for my marriage. The more I got in the word, the more I understood what the Lord desired for my marriage.

I was given 1 Peter 3:1-12 from my friend Trista at a conference. This was the first time that I really began to see my husband as flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. This verse about being the weaker vessel was not offensive to me because I remembered how many times my husband came to my aid in my physical ailments as well as my mental ailments. In every battle I have faced, he has held my arms steady.

When we see the word Submit there is often a bitter taste in out mouth because of the American historical context of the word. We have to at least attempt to stop reading the bible from an American context. Instead read the word in its original context of respect.

Then I look over to 1 Corinthians 7. I don’t look at just the top portion that refer to marriage, but I look at what’s below it as well. The top portion talks about intimacy and divorce… but then in verse 17 we see this… Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches

Oh my Good Good Father. How sweet a reminder to all of us? I cannot tell anyone to submit to their husband, because only I am married to my husband. Every marriage is going to look different. The one thing I do know is this: If you submit with your mouth but you don’t submit with your heart, then you don’t submit. We have gone through the series rating our marriage in these different areas on a scale from 1-10. Except with the husband leading, we have only rated him. Well with this, we only rate the wife.

My husband and I were going through our numbers one time, and I gave myself an 8… then he said, but is your heart an 8? OH man. It definitely was not. I had to reassess and walk through some stuff with the Lord. If you are reading this, then I will assume you are interested in knowing more about biblical submission. The best way for you to get to know more about it, is to read the word about it. Another way to understand this better, is to understand vows and covenant. I have decided to go over that next. so, stay tuned. Subscribe for the latest posts, sales, and encouragement.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Coming soon: Marriage Part 8 Vows and Covenant

a happily married couple dancing at home

Marriage: Part 6 Husband Leading

.Reading time 9 minutes.

Before I dig into this topic of a husband leading the home.  I wanted to dig into the word meaning a little.

Husband- a married man considered in relation to his spouse.

Husbandry-the intentional cultivation and production of plants or animals.

I have chickens. I love having chickens. I wanted to have chickens for a dozen years before I convinced my husband that we should have them. I don’t think I fully convinced him, but I did wear him down. We knew that before we could even bring chickens to our property, we would need to have a place for them to live. When we were deciding how big of a coop to build, I told my husband that I wanted it to be big enough for me to walk in and clean it. If I wasn’t comfortable moving around inside, then I wouldn’t want to clean it. I also knew that the birds would need nesting boxes to lay eggs, roosting bars to sleep on, clean watering area, plenty of food, and a fenced in run big enough for the birds to run around and enjoy themselves without my dogs eating them. The only thing that I did not do… was put netting over the run to prevent hawks from flying in and carrying off a chicken. Occasionally we have had chickens carried off by hawks or one snatched off the fence by a very excited Great Dane. When it gets too hot in the summer I leave the hose running a little for them to play in the water. When the temperature drops too low I lock them in the coop so they don’t get frost bite; and then I have to carry water out 3 times a day so they don’t get dehydrated. I regularly check them for infections, parasites, and injuries. When they are sick I nurse them back to health. I actively and intentionally engage in chicken husbandry. Chickens have been around for a long time. They could survive without me, but I prefer that they thrive with me.

Husbands need to consider themselves not just husbands, but intentionally engaging in the husbandry of their wife, their marriage, and their children. The word tells us that…

 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.          Ephesians 5:23

While I was raised by a feminist and believe that women are capable of amazing things; I still believe that a husband is the head of the wife. I was in the Army for 8 years and ran my own squad in a gun truck for an advanced combat patrol unit. All of the men that served under me were head strong infantry men. It is not that I believe women are helpless. For the first 5 years of our marriage I did what I wanted when I wanted. I hid most of my wounds and scars from my husband out of fear of rejection. This stunted the growth in our marriage… Then I had our first child and a very traumatic birth experience. A week later I was in a medicine induced coma. When the doctors took me off the medicine and I woke up, I was scared. My mom was there, my child was there, and my husband was there. I had retrograde amnesia and my last memory was walking through a market in Iraq. I just wanted to know where my squad was and who’s child my mom was holding. My husband explained what happened, then 10 minutes later, I forgot again. For the next 6 months I struggled with anterograde amnesia. I wasn’t allowed to drive because I had no clue where I was going. This became very comical when I had to give my mother-in-law directions. I was not able to bond with my son until he was around 7 months old. I had to rely on everyone around me to figure out my life. My husband really became a husband practicing husbandry during that time. Over the next five years I slowly stopped letting my husband lead me in life. I became independent to a self-destructive level. Believing that I didn’t even need him. We grew apart and I wondered daily why we were even married. Then the Lord got ahold of me, and I became very sick. I developed fibromyalgia. It was through my sickness that my husband began leading me again. Through illness, injury, surgery, recovery… illness, injury, surgery, recovery… illness, injury, surgery, recovery. Over and over he was forced to lead me. This was leading out of necessity. This was all a rehearsal for him to learn to lead us out of choice. We had got to the point that I would say or do something negative and he would remind me of what I had promised or what the Word said. We got to the point where he took an active role in where my time was spent. He cared if my time was wasted on frivolous things or my family and things that grew me. He spoke up when I was doing unhealthy activities, whether that was unhealthy eating, over working myself or maintaining one-sided relationships. He now leads and guides me to help me grow for the benefit of myself and others, be fruitful as a wife, mother, and Disciple of Christ, and self-preserving and not self-destructive. I shared all this messiness to show how (1.) I’m definitely a work in progress. (2.) I respect that my husband is growing in his role (3.) No one gets it right all the time.

One thing I know for a fact, is that women have to get out of the way, if they want their husband to lead.

Some scripture to meditate on:

1 Peter 3:7

1 Corinthians 11:3

Ephesians 5:25

Proverbs 31:11

If you have been following along with this marriage series, you will know that we are going through and rating things. Now, rate from 1-10 how your husband is leading you. 10 being the best. I can not tell you what leading should look like in your home. That is why I have only talked about how it looks for us. Every family is different and walks this out differently. That is why you have to sit with the Lord and these scriptures yourself first. Don’t ever use this rating as a weapon. Use this as a way to have conversations, petition the Lord, and grow.

I pray this finds you well. As always feel free to reach out to me with any questions.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

monochrome photo of couple holding hands

Marriage: Part 5 Agape

.Reading time 8 minutes.

agápē. to prefer, to love.

I recently went to a funeral for a very kind man. He had served his church for over 15 years. Over the last two weeks I listened to stories from many friends and loved ones. I never got the chance to know him well, but what little I did know, told me that he was an encourager. Meaning that he; 1. Had courage. The kind of courage that only comes from the Lord.  2. He shared his God-given courage with those around him. I believe those two things are a requirement in order to be an encourager. It was not the video, the stories, or even the flag on the casket that made me choke on a lump in my throat. It was his wife.  She is a very kind woman who has always welcomed me with open arms. Before the funeral the family came in to be served lunch. As the meal went on, the immediate family that had been sitting with her would work their way around the room or into the sanctuary to steal a few minutes alone with their patriarch before the service. At one point I saw her sitting alone at the the table that was once filled with her family. It was in that moment that the reality of her situation became heavy enough to drown me. I had the urge to run to her and tell her that I’m sorry she is sitting alone. I’m sorry that she will have to do many things alone now. I am sorry that the person who has always chose her over himself is gone. I’m. Just. Sorry.  However, I know that would have never helped her. It would have only benefited me and my misplaced guilt. So, I sat quietly praying for the Lord to give her courage. For him to hold her up. In her eyes, I saw agape. I saw love even in death.

The verse that I always think about when I consider agape love is John 21: 15-19.

15When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” 16He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” 17He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. 18Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” 19 And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”

In this passage we see Peter not in agreeance with Jesus, but rather him admitting that he doesn’t love Jesus as much as he thought he had. Peter once told Jesus that he would lay his life down for him. [Jesus] However, that is not how things played out. Peter did in fact deny Christ as predicted. After the regretful denial, Jesus is asking if Peter prefers Jesus over himself and Peter is honest in his response. Sometimes we fail at walking out our love for our spouse just as Peter failed walking out his love for Christ. (In that moment)

Agape love is a love of service. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen once said, “The night of the last supper the Apostles were quarreling as to who would have the first place at the table among themselves. Our Blessed Lord then got down on his knees, washed their feet and wiped them with a towel. How few there are who ever fight for the towel.” When I say that Agape love is also a service love… think back to the other types of love that we have gone through in the previous posts in the marriage series. Storge’. How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your Storge’ (protective/family love? How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your phileo (friendship) love? Eros. How do you choose your spouse over yourself in your Eros (intimate) love? When you look at these other three loves remember that the desire to choose your spouse over yourself and serve your spouse in these areas is driven by the Agape love. If you don’t have this Agape love for your spouse, it will definitely show up in these other loves; specifically the Storge’ and Eros.

Agape is for better for worse. Agape is in sickness and in health. Agape is till death do us part. Agape pulls it’s weight and sometimes more. Within the sanctity of marriage, Agape intimately desires.

Go back to the original marriage PDF and look at where Agape is located on the marriage square. Ask yourself where you are winning and where you are loosing in the Agape section, in your marriage. Ask yourself where you and your spouse make an active effort to choose each other. As well as where you don’t. Gave yourself a rating 1-10. 10 being good, 1 being “needs MUCH improvement” Don’t only rate your spouse. Rate your marriage as a whole. Write out your reasons. Don’t ever do this as a reason to list your spouse’s short comings! Have you washed you spouses feet? Is your marriage a place where you walk with humility?

I am praying this finds you well and seeking a Godly marriage.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

I hope you subscribe so you will be notified when the next installments are published. Marriage Part 6: A Husband Spiritually Leading. & Marriage Part 7: A Wife Spiritually Submitting. If you have any questions feel free to contact me through the “contract” page.

vintage photo of a dog lying on the bed

Marriage: Part 4 Eros

.Reading time 10 minutes.

This post has taken me a while to write because this can be such a difficult subject to approach. In the marriage conversations that I have had with women, sex is always an issue of discussion. However, the truth of the matter is that sex is just one small aspect of the Eros love. When discussing the eros love and all it entails, my friend Richard Manlove told me, “It’s not just sex, even the dogs can do that.” I can not think of any better way to break it down. I’ll try.

Eros does not mean erotic. The word erotic was not used until the early 1600s. Erotic was used in Greek to describe anything that relates to sex or sexual desire. Lets stop calling Eros the erotic love. Let’s decided now that we will see Eros for what it was meant to be. The intimate love and oneness between a husband and wife. Remember that while Phileo love is two people walking in the same direction, Eros love is two people towards each other with a common goal nestled between them.

In a righteous world, everyone would find a mate, marry, and then engage in a sexual relationship. However, we do not live in a righteous world. Rather we live in a broken world. The majority of people, and self-proclaimed Christians, believe sex outside of marriage is an outdated practice. The dating site Christian Mingle did a survey in 2014 with it’s members. 61% stated that that they were willing to have casual sex without being in love, while only 11% said they were waiting until marriage to have sex. 40 million Americans regularly visit a pornographic website and 35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography. 1/3 of all porn viewers are female. 70% of Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Popular culture has told us that modesty is meant to shame and hide our bodies. Culture, childhood trauma, incest, and sexual assaults have contributed to the poor example of intimacy or the inability for many to connect to another human in any manner of intimacy.

Oh how far we have fallen. In the beginning we see Adam and Eve walking in their beautifully naked bodies. It is not until sin comes that they feel shame and hide themselves from God. It is out of pity and love that we see God sacrifice an animal so that their bodies are covered. Over and over sacrifice is made to “cover” mankind’s indiscretions. When a child is young they are taught about intimate relationships. They are shown stories about sleeping beauties and longing princes. They also mindlessly observe the interpersonal relationships between their parents. They observe if a father kisses a wife’s cheek or slaps it. They observe if a wife lights up when her husband gets home from work or if she walks into another room. These things that we may think are minor create the foundation from which a child will build.

Sex in a marriage is important. That is why 1st Corinthians tells us, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It is no surprise that this was told to the believers of Corinth. A place known to have so many heathens and sexual deviants, Caligula himself would have thrived had his canal project succeeded. The frequency and quality of sex will be different with every couple. It will also be different with every season of life. There are a few factors that I want to discuss.

Seasons. Things shift differently for every season of your life. There may be a season where a child sleeps in your bed. There may be a season where one doesn’t go to bed until the other gets up for work. There might come a time in your life when you are no longer sexually active with your spouse due to hormones and age. So, Health.

Health plays a huge role in sex in a marriage. If one person has imbalanced hormones, they may be over sexually active or under active. If one is sick or in pain, their body may prevent any type of arousal. Sex without arousal is not healthy mentally or physically.

Then, there is the group I refer to as the “outside influences”. Adultry, Rape, Incest, Unresolved Trauma, Abortion, Infertility (and fertility), Trust, Identity, Modesty, Porn, Social Media.

If you think these things can’t attack your marriage, you are lying to yourself!

Unresolved trauma: Guards hearts and minds from receiving love in a healthy manner.

Rape: Can leave one feeling attacked and unsafe during every sexual encounter.

Incest: Can set victims up to give sex, in order to receive love.

Abortion: Can leave feelings of shame, regret, and strife.

Infertility: Can leave either person feeling worthless or broken.

Fertility: Fear of becoming pregnant (too many times) can lead to unhealthy abstinence.

Trust: Not trusting your spouse in a marriage prevents all intimacy.

Identity: Not having your identity in Christ can lead to self-sabotage.

Porn: Leads to desiring people or scenarios other than your spouse

Social Media: Can lead to unfairly comparing your spouse or marriage with others.

Modesty: I know this is not a popular topic. When you bring up modesty, many women raised in my generation snub their nose. We were taught to be proud of our amazing bodies and show off what we are proud of. Don’t let men tell you to hide your body. Well, none of that has anything to do with modesty. It is a heart matter. The word I am reminded of above all is, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31 and “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” – 1 Peter 3:3-4. I would love to discuss this topic more in a later post. The list of things that immodesty breeds from and causes is too extensive for this post.

When you look at all the different factors that can impact the intimacy in your marriage, it seems exhausting. I didn’t even discuss drugs and or alcohol. However, the Lord has the power to move in all of these situations. I suggest that you rate this area of your marriage in the same way that you rated all of the other areas up to this point. Remember you don’t rate just your spouse. You are rating your marriage in the area of Eros love. 1-10. If you are not at a 10, discuss why. Be open, honest, and vulnerable in this conversation. Consider the veracity as well as the benevolence of your words and reactions.

Is something in the way of your intimacy?

Do intimate encounters start from you trying to show love or from trying to receive sexual gratification?

Do any of the “outside influences” need to be discussed?

What scripture guides your Eros love?

If your Eros more than what the dogs do?

As always, I pray this finds you well.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

gray scale couple walking on snow covered ground

Marriage: Part 3 Phileo

.Reading time 9 minutes.

One of the things that suits me best is to write what I know. As I sit here and write this I am looking at a picture of my husband and I from our last hunting trip. In the photo I have an odd laughing expression. My phone takes motion picture, which means it records up until the moment the photo is taken. When I click “view motion picture”, I hear my husband, who is posing in the picture, say, “I farted, can you smell that?” This is a big part of our marriage. Being around each other. Being real with each other. Laughing with each other. Because… we are friends.

Phileo love is the friendship love.

The Strong’s concordance number is 5368 philéō (from 5384 /phílos, “affectionate friendship”) – properly, to show warm affection in intimate friendship, characterized by tender, heartfelt consideration and kinship.

When I look at this break down, I think of two different things: the first being the song You’ve Got a Friend by James Taylor. If you haven’t heard it, google it! The second being what is occasionally referred to as “Jesus Reinstates Peter”. I always laugh a little and wonder if the one who titled this section read the same text that I did.

If you go to John 21:15-19, you read about Jesus asking Peter if he loved him. Jesus is asking “if Peter Agape’ him?”. Peter then responds that he Phileo him. Jesus asked “if he Agape’ him?” and again Peter responds that he Phileo him. Then Jesus asked “do you Phileo me?” and Peter responds that he Phileos him. I don’t believe this is a reinstatement, but I am not the voice of the Lord for you. What I do see here is Peter admitting that he was not willing to sacrifice for Jesus, but he was willing to have an intimate friendship with a tender heartfelt consideration and kinship. Peter is not telling Jesus that he doesn’t love him or they are only friends. There is a lot of weight to say that you phileo someone.

In my life I have had some very good relationships and I have had some very unhealthy relationships. ANY relationship that is one sided is unhealthy. A big chunk of the “friends” on my Facebook are merely acquaintances. Some people that I used to consider dear friends have become just acquaintances. I will explain why.

In our own time, friendship arises in the same way. It may be a common religion, common studies, a common profession even common recreation. All who share it will be out companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our friends.

–C.S. Lewis

For someone to be a friend and not a companion or as I refer to them, acquaintance, there has to be more to the relationship. There has to be a commonality between their lives that is shared. The commonality could be something positive, like Disciple making or the church you attend. The commonality could also be negative like over-indulging in alcohol or gossiping. When a friendship is not rooted in something deep, the friendship may fade away when the commonality stops happening. I used to socially drink with a veterans group. When I stopped drinking, I had little interest to be around the group. If a mother looses a child, she may seek friends that have had the same experience. Seeking someone who “gets it”.

True friendship seeks to be loyal. In every action or conversation a true friend seeks to preserve the other friend, the truth, and the relationship. These three things are seen as valuable. I know that when I leave the room, my husband will not allow me to be attacked, lied about or allow anyone (including himself) to question our marriage. This brings me comfort. If you phileo anyone, you may consider these things: Are you a loyal friend? Are they? Are they loyal, not only when you are in the room, but when you are out? You can be honest and loyal at the same time.

Friendship has no survival value, rather it is one of the things which give value to survival.

C.S. Lewis

Does the friendship give your life value? Is it missed when it is gone? When I was in Iraq , I was not stationed with my husband. I longed for the days that we would get to visit each others bases. I would pull security on bomb filled roads just to get to see his face for 5 minutes. When I would see his face I could almost hear the theme song from Top Gun playing. That 5 minutes would get me through till the next time. sometimes it would be days apart, sometimes months. Our time was precious. I occasionally forget that now that we get to see each other most days. Writing this has opened my eyes to some of my own actions or inactions. Other than my husband, most of my real friends, my phileo friends have died. Either from war, suicide or cancer. The few Phileos that I have left have a special place in my heart. And my calendar.

So, it is time to ask yourself a few questions about the friendship you have with your spouse.

  • Is your spouse your best friend?
  • If not, who is and why?
  • Do you have heartfelt companionship with your spouse?
  • What are your commonalities?
  • What commonalities have you lost? Has that left an impact?
  • Are you both loyal?
  • Do you gossip or talk down about your spouse?
  • Do you shut down negative talk about your spouse?
  • Are you honest with each other?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Do you miss them when they are gone?

While Eros may look like two people walking toward each other with all desire and adoration for each other; Phileo is two people walking side by side, in the same direction, while taking special care to not go too fast or too slow, but stay in step.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Remember the PDF from Part 1 and 2. Now after going through the above questions, rate how you are doing in this area from 1-10. We don’t rate the husband. We don’t rate the wife. We rate the marriage. Then we discuss how we can progress. I will share a new PDF below. There is a 1-10 scale available. I have also updated the PDF for storge’ to have the same scale. Think 10 is “great” and 1 is “needs lots of improvement”.

Walk through this world with one who wants to be at your side.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Chorley-PhileoDownload
white tent in the middle of forest

Marriage Part 2: Storge’

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Just to recap…

The last post that I made was Marriage Part 1. I want to remind you all that I am in no way a marriage expert. I am an imperfect woman married to an imperfect man. In Part 1, I walked through the 4 types of love that we find in a marriage. I gave just a small section on each love. Now, I will dive into each one with you very slowly and talk about how we can assess this in our marriage.

Part 2: Storge’

After reading (well, listening to) C.S. Lewis discuss the four loves, I have a refreshed take on them. I want to share where I have landed the plane and how we walk this out in our marriages. I start with storge’ because Lewis did. He did it for specific reasons. Storge’ is the Family/ Protective love. You can pinpoint when you became friends with someone or when you began intimacy or when you chose them over you. Pinpointing the very moment that someone became family is a very different matter. At first, I didn’t agree that this was a reality. Then I tried to remember at what point my friend Debbie became my family. I couldn’t tell you. Just suddenly one day, she was family.

Storge’ love finds us doing things to protect those we love. We don’t do these things out of lordship or authority, rather we do them out of responsibility. It is my responsibility to teach my children about the Lord just as much as it is my responsibility to teach them how to dress appropriately. The difference in responsibility and authority is that I don’t Lord my decisions over them and I allow them to walk in the freedom of their choices (with reason). I don’t make every decision for them out of my responsibility to protect them. In a marriage we can assess how we are doing on this type of love. We do this best by first laying out who is doing (or not doing) what. I often refer to this love as the hotdog underwear. I share this with many women I teach this to. In our home, laundry is generally my job. It is this way because My husband works 10-15 hour days usually 5 days a week. I am retired from the military, so I am home more than him. When I am slacking on this duty, my husband will kindly say, “I am on hotdog underwear”. This means that he is on his last pair of clean underwear, which happen to have a hotdog pattern. He hates these underwear because of the fit and length. However, I don’t get rid of them because if he didn’t hate them, he might not tell me. Then I might not immediately throw a load in the wash.

This may sound different. I protect my family with clean clothes. I protect my family with warm meals. I protect my family with smart financial decisions. I protect my family with healthy boundaries. I protect my family’s mental health. I protect my family’s physical health. When I say protect, I mean I love and care for them in this so much that I am willing to do more. More without resentment or bitterness.

My family does not need to have the newest clothes, but I protect them by making sure they have what they need. My family does not need to have the biggest and nicest house, but I protect them by making sure it is a warm home where they feel safe. My family doesn’t need a million-dollar paycheck, but I take care of them by making sure all our bills are paid before any “extras” are purchased. My family may want every extended family member in their life, but I protect them by setting healthy boundaries with flakey, irresponsible or even dangerous family members. When we first lay out our responsibilities and discuss our role in the marriage, we can see if there is an even distribution of duty. After laying out responsibilities we can dig into our financial decisions, discuss unrealistic expectations we may have of each other, mental health and stability, physical health and caregiver roles.

So ask yourself a few questions.

What are your responsibilities?

What are your spouse’s responsibilities?

Are all parties aware of their responsibilities?

Are you putting any unrealistic expectations on each other?

Am I seeking to protect their mental health and physical health?

Has mental health or physical health issues put a strain on us?

Are you in agreement about your financial choices?

Once all of this is done, each spouse can rate how they believe the couple is doing in this love on a scale of 1-10. We don’t rate the husband, we don’t rate the wife. We rate the marriage. Then we discuss how we can progress.

I am very intentional about not giving a specific scripture to cling to on this. BECAUSE… no one is married to Mike Chorley except me. The voice of the Lord may be different for me than it would be for someone else because I am married to someone else. What I do encourage everyone do, find a scripture that models this love well for your marriage. One the Lord revealed to YOU. Then when things come up that start to rock your marriage, add another scripture to this Storge’ section. When you pray for your marriage, read these scriptures. When the Lord gives you these scriptures and you see the kingdom break through in your marriage praise God for that pillar of faith in your marriage.

Make sure to download the PDF from the beginning of this series. When you decided on the scripture for your Storge’, write it under your Storge’ section. I will provide an example of a couple of mine in a PDF below.

REMEMBER!

PROTECT WHAT IS INSIDE YOUR TENT, KNOW WHAT IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR TENT.

Grace & Peace

Chorley

chorley-storgeDownload

Marriage: Part 1

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is sweet. Marriage is biblical. Marriage is a choice. I have been married for sixteen years. I am not the perfect wife by any means. I am also not married to the perfect husband. However, we are both married to the one that is perfect for us. We have had times where we failed each other and had to seek forgiveness. We both deployed to Iraq in 2005 and were not always stationed near each other. There were times that situations, bombings, and firefights happened and neither of us were sure if the other would make it back to the base alive. He also sat by my bed when I was in a medically induced coma just days after the birth of our son. We both live with post-traumatic stress disorders, traumatic brain injuries, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. We have seasons where one is doing better than the other, both are struggling, or both are good. No matter what season we are in I am thankful that I have someone by my side.

Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can lift him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie sown together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

When I was being discipled, I was taught a tool for marriage. This tool is known as the marriage square. The tool basically teaches that there are four loves. (If you have never read C.S. Lewis’ Four loves, I strongly recommend it. It is available on audible!) This tool teaches that AGAPE feeds the STORGE, EROS, and PHILEO in our marriages. When Rachel taught me this tool, I told her that it was good info about the types of love, but I didn’t think it was practical. She responded with, “Then change it. Find a way to make it practical.” SO, that is what I am going to share with yall. This will be a multi-series because there is a lot of information and homework with each of these.

Most of my childhood is filled with trauma, abuse, sexual disfunction and promiscuity. I was never taught about healthy intimacy or marriage growing up. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom divorced her second husband when he went to jail for child molestation. Then, I watched my mother go through three more marriages. My mother came from an alcoholic and abusive home. I believe that many children are taught how to be married and what is important in a marriage. My husband came from two people that are still married 40+ years later who came from parents who died married. My husband’s parents were raised Catholic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with their commitment. I do know that divorce is way less acceptable in the Catholic culture. I bring up the stark contrast of our upbringing for many reasons. One is that Marriage is often generational. Two: Just because people stay married till death, does not mean that it is a healthy marriage. Going through this process of finding out about different marital loves and how to walk it out has transformed my marriage to look less like the World and more like the Word.

For this 1st part of the series I am going to do a small break down of the four different types of love that we are going to go through.

  • STORGE’
  • PHILEO
  • EROS
  • AGAPE’

Storge’ is a family love. If you search through the Bible, you will not find it. However, you will find it attached to different words. In Romans 1:31 and in 2 Timothy 3:3 you find ASTORGOS. This is defined as heartless. In other books you find PHILEOSTORGOS, brotherly love. While, you cannot find this type of love by spelling; you can find it in concept that is built by the context of the situation of the word. We see Noah have this love for his family during the flood. We see Ruth have this type of love for Naomi. We see Martha and Mary have this kind of love for Lazarus. This love is protective, caring and responsible.

Phileo is the friendly love. You will find this type of love in the Bible and you will find it attached to many other words. The most notable place for this word is when I read Peter’s response to Jesus asking him if he loves him. Jesus asked him if he loved (agape) him, Peter responds that he loves (phileo) him. Phileo is loyal, truthful, and honest.

Eros is the intimate love. I use the word intimate because intimacy is more than sex. The sexual and intimate relationship between a husband and wife is one that has to be nurtured, guarded, and exclusive. Things that impact this love are sex, health, past trauma, porn, adulty, social media, and identity.

The last type of love is agape’. Agape is a sacrificial love. This is the I choose you over me. I think of the traditional vows. I take____ to be my wedded___, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. All of these types of love are crucial to a healthy marriage. The agape feeds the “reason” of all the others. As in, I do these others because I choose you over me because I love you more than I love myself.

After all the loves have been discussed, the next thing that gets discussed is:

  • The husband spiritually leading the wife
  • The wife submitting to the husband’s authority

I pray this finds you and your marriage well. If you have any questions make sure to either drop a comment or email me at Andi@andichorley.com

Grace & Peace

Chorley

The next part of this series is: Marriage: Part 2 Storge’ Download this PDF in preparation for the next part in the series.

marriage-square-pdfDownload
woman walking on dirt road

Filling the Valleys

.Reading time 9 minutes.

The voice of the one crying in the wilderness: Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be made low, and the crooked shall become straight, and the rough places shall become level ways, and all flesh shall see the salvation of God. Luke 3:4-6

A voice cries: “In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 40:3-5

There are slight differences in these texts. However, John was still quoting the book of Isaiah. Often when share scripture and we don’t know the exact words or the address where to find them. I don’t have a great memory and I don’t remember every verse I have ever read. I have never even memorized an entire chapter of the word. I am not sure if it is a side effect of my epilepsy or if I am just not disciplined enough. Either way, I don’t feel and shame or condemnation for it. I know for a fact that If I am meant to remember something in the Word, the Holy Spirit will remind me . I know this because the word tells us this in John 14

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom my Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. – verse 25-26

I have had many conversations with women lately about biblical literacy. One thing that has not been pushed for women in the church, is biblical literacy. We have these events and conferences and they are great. I am not saying they are not. One thing I always take away is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and chosen and a daughter of a king and fearless. While these things are true, what do I cling to when things are hard. What do I cling to when I am struggling to see how the Lord’s will is for my benefit? What do I cling to when my marriage is not peaceful? What do I cling to when motherhood is stressful but I know I should just be grateful? What do I cling to when I have stumbled and fallen and I am struggling to get up because I cant bring myself to look up and see my Fathers hand reaching out to pull me back up. Knowing that I am a daughter of a king or fearfully and wonderfully made or chosen, does not always fill me up. Sometimes I need the hard truths to fill me up. Sometimes I need to know that I am walking in disobedience. Sometimes I need to know that I have unrepented sin holding me back. Sometimes I need to forgive hurt that others have caused. I learn these thing by being in the word. I listened to a song recently that said, “No body gives you a book with all the answers to life”. That’s a lie. The fact is that we often don’t like to open the book and find the answer.

In the past, I have had years, months, days, even hours of living in valleys. I think everyone reading this can think of a time in their life that they were living in a valley. I know that mental and physical health can be one of the first things to pull us into a valley.

I recently went camping with three spiritual families. It was amazing. While camping we went hiking at the Talimena State Park, in Oklahoma. I recommend hiking here to anyone! While driving (I was a passenger) through the area I would be texting and using the GPS. Every time we would drive through a valley I would lose service and be unable to contact the other vehicles or see the map on the GPS. This made a few difficulties and wrong turns… but we kept going. We eventually made it to our destination. It made for an interesting drive and we saw things we would not have seen had we been able to see the map; including a meat market with a massage parlor inside. Yep. That’s right.

A valley is not always as blissful as the one we drove through. More often it is a hard struggle that tries to shake our faith and hope. Bad health diagnosis with no hope in sight is often one of the bigger struggles. Losing my dear friend to Jesus after a long battle with cancer chained me in a valley for a while. Losing a child, parent or friend can keep us focused on our loss and not God’s gain. Anxiety and depression can make us feel far from God’s ear because we can struggle to lift our voice to him.

I once read a devotional from Charles Spurgeon that talked about ways that we fight to get out of valleys. One thing was; Low and groveling thoughts of God must be raised. The idea that God can’t help us or doesn’t love us; has to be removed from our brain. The respect and acceptance of his will in our life and other’s has to be carefully considered always. Doubt and despair must be removed. This idea of “woe me” can be changed by meditating on the trials and persecution of Jesus and his disciples. We can look to 1 peter and take heart knowing that God knew there would be trials and it is all temporary. I am not saying that anxiety and depression or grief disappear, but it makes the climb out easier when we are looking up. Self-seeking has to be forsaken. Giving up our will and desires for his, is hard but a worthy task. Grace must be raised. When we are frustrated with our children, our spouse, other believers, non-believers… are we really giving them the grace God has given us? Or are we allowing out lack of grace to keep us in chains of unforgiveness while living in a state of unhumility of our own actions?

I pray this finds you well and not in a valley. If it finds you in a valley, I hope you find it timely.

Grace & Peace.

Chorley

wooden chair in dark room

Empty Chairs

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Where do conferences fit into Discipleship?

The first conference that I ever went to for Discipleship was at the Discipleship.org conference in Nashville. The trip was one to remember. There were two 15 passenger vans full of people that were currently walking in Discipleship relationships. The men were walking with our Pastor and the women were walking with his (the Pastor’s) wife. We got in the vans in Harrah Oklahoma at 6am and arrived in Nashville that evening. We got to stay at a Hostile right in the middle of Nashville over off Broadway. The Hostile was a great place that allowed us to have conversations with people that we wouldn’t normally get to, had we been at an AirBnB.

The main speakers at the conference included Robert Coleman, Jim Putman, Bill Hull, and many other very qualified disciple makers. The main speakers had great things to say that were rooted in truth and rooted in the Word. Not every other speaker in the breakout sessions were that way. I quietly walked out of a couple breakout sessions because things were said that I did not believe lined up with the Word. I did not seek anyone out to inform them of the fallacies that were shared. I did not find that to be a fruitful endeavor. I did what I do with many things I read, watch, or listen to; I kept the good and I tossed the rest.

The things that I witnessed about the convention, was that the most fruitful part of the conference was not necessarily the speakers, the book vendors, or the snacks. The most fruitful thing that I took away from the conference was the one-on-one conversations about Jesus. I was able to partake in these conversations and watch others do the same thing. The unfortunate situation with having so many breakout sessions is that it is impossible for an attendee to hear every speaker and teaching.

Conferences don’t always seem like they fit into ministry, church, or discipleship. One thing that I know is that Jesus did not meet his Disciples at the temple. He met them in life and at events. We read in Luke 5 that Jesus healed a paralytic while he was preaching to a crowd, that was again, not at the temple. We read in Luke 6 that Jesus came down from the mountain to a great crowd and choose his disciples. We read in John 4 that Jesus met a woman at a well to give her the good news. Over and over, we see Jesus doing more Kingdom work outside of the temple. Is that the model that we should be following? Yes.

Mission is so important to ministry. If we are not engaging in mission, are we just building a kingdom with walls around it? We were never meant to come to church once a week to worship God. We were made to worship God. (if you didn’t notice, there was a period at the end of that sentence) It is possible to worship God at church, at home, at school, at work, in the car, at the store, and even at a conference. Our worship does not stop when we walk out the doors on Sunday. We were also never told to only find fellow believers at the temple. The word tells us “Go into all the world and proclaim the Gospel to the whole creation”. The key word here is GO.

I walk with women. I pour into other women daily. I also have amazing women around me that pour into me. I always have the thought in the back of my mind, “other women need this”. I know many women who don’t have anyone pouring into them. This creates a dull pain in my heart for them. They don’t know how sweet an intimate(not sexual) relationship with other women who love Jesus can be. I have recently been in Hebrews 10.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.    Hebrews 10:24-25.

Every time I have been in small groups talking about Jesus or big conferences talking about Jesus, the one thing that I always hear is, I left so encouraged. I believe in relational Discipleship. However, I also believe in getting together in big groups to speak with people who don’t necessarily believe the way we do or have the same tools that we do. This fosters cross pollination. I love learning from other women. I hear a lot of people say, we don’t speak from experience. However, that is not a hard fast rule. When I know someone is struggling to find their identity in Christ, I know what scripture to give them because I have experience in helping women with this. We read books from Disciple Makers because they are subject matter experts… from experience. Granted, it is often rooted in the word, it is still their experience. Sharing out experiences in disciple making and ministry can be encouraging to other women if we are focused on growth of the kingdom and spiritual growth.

Where we should see Deborahs, Priscillas and Phoebes sitting, there is often an empty chair. Hearing other women teach the Word is so nurturing to my soul. Women teaching is rarely something that happens in majority of churches. If this happened more, it could encourage other women to teach with all authority. If more women taught with all authority we would see more women Discipling with all authority. However, I urge you to walk with caution, humbleness, and always remembering the Glory of God above you.

How are you helping to build the Kingdom?

What is your mission?

How do you walk that out?

What resources do you need to seek out?

Grace & Peace

Chorley

Kingdom movers, rarely ask for permission.